There is a reason why Heather and Kuk told me to keep the house standing and in shape while they were away. Oh man. Friday night, I came back from hanging out with some girls (I know, be proud that I hung out with non-engineering girls!) and cleaned my room and packed to go home the next morning. I ended up going to bed at 1:30 and planned to wake up at 8:30 to get home at a reasonable hour in the morning… or at least I had planned to sleep at 1:30. Around 1:45, I hear shouting outside and guys cursing that our front door was locked. Then they started shouting while walking to the back door, “Catherine! Catherine! Are you here!? Are you awake!?! Open the door! We're bleeding!!!” She wasn’t home. I was the only one there. Go figure.
I got out of bed to go downstairs to open the door to tell them she wasn’t home so they needed to go home. I ended up getting as far as my bedroom door and opening it and came face-to-face with a giant, very drunk dude. And by dude I mean two guys, one covered in blood and the giant having drippings of blood on him from the other guy. (And by blood, I mean blood enough that it very obviously ruined his outfit and if he had gone around during the daylight, police would have been called and he would have been considered a zombie-slayer or something that's how much blood he had on him.)
I don’t even know how to describe what happened next. At first I was shocked at just how tall this dude was. And then I realized how drunk they were. And then I realized that no, that was not paint but actual blood all over the shorter dude. And I didn’t have my glasses on so I couldn't see very well and I had no clue who these guys were. The tall dude seemed the least intoxicated and asked me if I was friends with Heather and that they weren’t going to cause any trouble or make noise but just use our shower. Mmhmm. That’s what he claimed. So I lead these two guys into the bathroom and start apologizing for all the dirt in the shower (because I haven’t had time to bleach it) while the giant kept thanking me and asking for my name and for my other housemates. Also, he kept trying to hug me but because he was so large I felt like I was a two year old being smothered by a giant uncle or something and it was not the most comfortable moment in my life. The next thing I know I’m asked to take off the bloody guy’s pants and get him in the shower and he’s standing in his boxers just staring at his cut arm giggling because he didn’t know how he got cut. I didn't even know his name at this point in the night and here I am trying to get out of showering him.
I was able to ask the giant who they were and he said, "I'm Dan and this is my brother Mike." OH!!!! (aka Dan and Bronco Mike). Now I knew exactly who they were so I didn't feel quite so terrified of this situation. So what should a girl do to prevent oneself from getting into a terrible situation with drunk bloody boys about to attempt to shower? Answer: Grab a towel! I leave the bathroom, put my glasses on so I could see, text Catherine and grab a bath towel. By the grace of God, Catherine just happened to have left her party and showed up at home. Bahaha- when she heard the two guys upstairs, she came storming up the stairs, saw the blood, got so mad/panicked (she was drunk too), grabbed Mike's arm and literally pulled him into the shower, turned on the HOT water (and only hot) and held him there. I felt like she was torturing him because of his screamns. Tehe. That was entertaining, not gonna lie. He shrieked like a little girl but because he was so drunk he still was laughing. Dan was still trying to hug me and figure out who I was.
After we cleaned his arm up, the cut wasn’t that big. Honestly I have no idea how there was that much blood for that small of a cut and we have no idea where they got the cut. But it kept bleeding profusely and our puny princess band-aids weren’t working to keep it, so what does Catherine find? A pad. Yes, we decided to use a pad for his arm. Unfortunately, it wouldn’t go all the way around his arm (it wasn’t the super long ones sadly enough) so we needed to tape it to the cut. Poor kid. The only tape we found was yellow electrical tape. So we taped a feminine pad to this very drunk kid’s arm with electrical tape and tried to get him to bed. Getting him to go to bed was probably the most difficult task of the night though because he STILL was giggling and complaining about his arm all while a third guy showed up (this guy I actually did know) who just kept making fun of the pad. “Would you like a tampon too? How’s your flow? Is it your time of the month?” To calm Mike down from reacting about the pad, Catherine scratches his ears like a dog. I wish I had this videotaped because he legit looked like a puppy and there was definitely an imaginary tail a-wagging. Tehe, that part was funny.
So we get Mike in bed and there are two other drunks still wide awake and ready to destroy everything in their path. Catherine tells me to go to bed; however, as I am trying to leave I get cornered by the giant who just keeps saying “Cara you are nice and adorable. I want a hug.” Then I am scooped up by this man. Literally. He scooped me up. I did NOT appreciate that nor was I about to trust anything he was about to do.But what does he do? He puts me down and promptly ‘boops’ my nose. Yes. Boop. Wow.
I try to go to bed but Dan tries to follow me into my room like a puppy dog. Then the third dude (also named Mike), asks Catherine to make him a sandwich. Dan got distracted by the thought of food, I slam my door and lock it. While Catherine went downstairs to make the boys pb&j, all I hear is shouting and pounding from the movie room where the boys are. I don't even want to know what they were trying to do but they attempted to start a movie, Catherine tried to help them but it failed so no movie for them. Dan was bored and tries to visit me again (while I'm in bed trying to sleep) so he kept running into my door and pounding on it wanting me to open it. (I didn't, don't worry friends). I now understand why Marlene so desperately wanted a deadbolt for her bedroom door.
Around 3am, the boys FINALLY fell asleep which meant that I was then able to sleep too. Until about 7:30 when they woke up again. I'm pretty sure Mike (the one with the cut) hadn't sobered up yet. They started giggling about last night and trying to recount what happened. Something about an Asian girl who was hot and all that stuff that guys talk about when girls aren't around. At some moment, they make fun of Mike about the pad on his arm and then go downstairs to play video games and watch Saturday morning cartoons. Catherine says that it was just video games but I'm pretty sure I heard cartoons early in the morning. I quit even trying to go back to sleep but start packing to go home.
Around 8:30, Catherine wakes up and decides to make pancakes. Fun fact for the day: pancakes work best when you have enough eggs for the recipe. We ended up literally scrambling the pancake batter instead of trying to flip them they were too runny. And Dan and Mike ate them like it was their job. Around 10am, Catherine rounds them up and drives them to their cars and I leave for home.
I'm requesting one thing of you oh dearly amused audience and readers of this blog: Please don't tell my family about this because my father will flip out and make me move out of this house and I don't want to do that to Catherine and Heather. It was a very hard task for me to keep it quiet when I went home that day but I managed so you can manage to not tell my family about it also. Kthanks.
And to answer your question: No, we still don't quite know where/how Mike got cut Friday night but it def had to have been a cut from glass.
Don't drink and drive kids. Or just don't drink. Ever. Or you will turn into a puppy-like zombie-killer too. But puppy-like zombie-killers aren't that scary if you are forced to interact with them.
Also- don't drive with drunk guys in your car. They will lick your face.
