Turning into a Lunatic

This post is 100% true and it may be about me or it may be about someone else. That's all you're getting out of me.

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I am very awkward and uncomfortable when it comes to being really honest in relationships.  So, naturally, I avoid these sorts of situations.  However, every once in a while there arises a time when an uncomfortable conversation needs to be had and it is simply unavoidable.  This is the story of one of those conversations.  Sort of.  Really it’s a story about how the necessity of this particular conversation caused me to have a momentary mental breakdown and turn into a lunatic.  And I am not embellishing here, this all really happened. I actually did this.

Ok, so here is what happened.  I went over to hang out with a friend of mine—yes, a friend of the opposite gender—with the intention of maybe hopefully having a somewhat productive conversation about what the heck is going on between us. You know, one of those “sooooo what are we?” conversations that are awkward, but necessary once a friendship between a guy and a girl gets to a certain point.  Like I said, this is the sort of conversation I avoid like the plague or watching baseball on tv but it’s a conversation that needs to be had and I am attempting to be bolder, more mature, and more honest in my relationships which means asking for clarity.

So having this conversation would be very good. Unfortunately good intentions do not automatically translate to good (or smooth) actions.  I didn’t even have an ounce of courage to bring this up when  I was at his house, so when I left I was slightly disappointed in myself.  I walked all the way out to my car, which was parked on the street, got in, shut the door, and the rest is a blur. 

It was at this moment that something happened.  Someone took over my body and turned me into a crazy person.  It was in this moment of disappointment and frustration at not knowing what is going on in the boy’s head that I did this act of insanity.  I got back out of my car, ran back across his yard (yes I literally ran), and went back into his house.  I didn’t even knock on the door.  I literally ran up his front step and threw open the door.  Then I ran down the stairs to the basement and down his creepy hallway to his room, where I met his closed door which I then pounded on rather loudly.  At least I remembered to knock this time, right?  After waiting for a response from the other side of the door, which is what a sane person would do, I opened the door to his room and said, “hey, I’m back!  Ummm when I get back from this weekend I have to talk to you about something ok?  Ok.  I’m leaving now, bye!”  He looked so confused.  Like some sort of lunatic had just burst through his door…oh wait, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.

After that interaction, I literally ran back out of his house, slamming all the doors on my way out, and ran back across his yard where I jumped in my car and said out loud to myself, “I think I might vomit now.”  Then I drove away.  Really!?  A sane person does not do this. If put on trial, I would claim temporary insanity.

It’s been days and I am still slightly mortified that I did this.  So, there ya go.  I have clearly crossed over the line and have completely lost it.  I am a nut.

Coupons

I thought that I was doing well on the whole not-having-attracted-any-creepy-or-socially-awkward-boys lately. False. My creeper magnet still works.

For those of you who don't know, I have this tendency of attracting very awkward boys or at least making shy boys very awkwardly uncomfortable in my presence (and they don't embrace their awkwardness like they should). No one quite understands this phenomenon and if you have a good explanation outside of pheromones, do tell me (privately, please lol).

On Sunday, I was in church and met this quiet dude with my other guy friend. Quiet dude was new in town and wanted to invite us over to his house for dinner that night because he was new and needed friends.

My guy friend and I decide, 'sure why not' and we go to his house for dinner that evening. The poor boy was very nervous about serving us dinner and kept explaining what everything was and if we didn't like it then it was ok, etc. After dinner, we sit and chillax for a bit and then get up to leave. In which he stops us and asks, "Are you two dating? I hear that it usually is not normal for a guy and girl to just 'hang out' without dating or being interested in them."

Um- what? It took all the will-power I had to not double-over in laughter. First of all, no- I'm definitely not dating him. Second, this is me: I'm always in the friend zone with dudes. C'mon now- that's my rep as Cara the Face. But seriously, I can't decide if I admire this guy's honesty and bluntness (as that honestly does make life so much easier) or if I should tell him that most people don't ask straight up but instead stalk and observe in various ways first so they don't create awkward situations between the couple. Lol.

So yea, I was already amused by this kid. The next evening, I get home from work and receive 3 messages from quiet dude via Facebook. None of them are very relevant to this story but one is very entertaining but I won't embarrass this kid too much on here but it involves a beaver-groundhog beast attacking a car muffler. Anyhoo- as soon as I logged onto facebook, he started chatting me up. Mind you, I was also on the phone with my mother and wasn't paying attention that much. The next thing I realize in my conversation with him I read (while still on the phone) 'If you're interested, I have a coupon for a 2 for 1 lunch or dinner at Matilda's.'

Whoa. Whoa! There are two ways I could interpret this. 1- He has a coupon he's trying to get rid of. 2- He was asking me out. What is the safest way to play down any awkwardness? This way, or so I thought: 'No thanks- I never go to that restaurant so it'll go to waste if you give it to me.' Bahaha- a terrible way to play naive but I did it. I was so proud of myself for totally avoiding any awkward situations because after all it wasn't even in person but via Facebook and I was saving him from embarrassment by pretending it wasn't him trying to ask me out! (Side note: Every person I've talked to has said it was definitely him trying to ask me out.)

His response to my rejection of the coupon was, "Thank you for your honesty."

......

What are some good responses for me to say to that last comment of his? Um, 'You're welcome!' or 'Absolutely!' or 'Anytime!' ?

Yea. I can't think of anything and definitely couldn't at that moment. I don't even remember what I did or how I tried to change the subject back to the pretend beaver and burning mufflers. But I did. And I was trying not to die laughing inside while still talking to my mother or to give anything away to what was going on around me. (She's very old so she wouldn't understand the ways of the world of dating and relationships of this generation.)

Poor guy. I do feel sorry for him. And because of my pity for him and all shy, awkward boys, I am going to start compiling a list to send to all the guys at UD on what not to do to get a girl on a date. One of them includes: Don't use a coupon as a way to get a girl to a restaurant for two reasons. 1- She can interpret that in different ways and pretend it's not a date all too easily and then the whole situation will be awkward. 2- She will think you're cheap. Personally, I am pro-coupons usually. Just not as the way to get the girl to come out with you. But guys, do feel free to use coupons to pay for things. I fully support coupons.

Also- for your entertainment I am also compiling a list for you of all my creepers. Enjoy the mystery if you don't know the stories behind their names but they go by code names to save their humility.

1- Opera boy
2- Bowling boy
3- Composites Boy
4- Coupon Boy
5- Farm Fair/ Wrestling boy
6- Ice Cream boy
7- Frenchman
And... I can't think of the others. But I will. Don't worry.

The New Guy

For some reason, this summer is the season of trying to matchmake Cara Watson. For example, my boss told me that she thought I should meet her 20 yr old brother and proceeded to ramble about how she should try hooking us up because she didn’t like his girlfriend because ‘that girl is too goth for him.’ When I convinced her that it probably wasn’t a good idea to meddle in his life, she agreed and let it go. Or so I thought but then she mentioned that the new guy at work was super cute. [Mental note to all young, single people: when someone you don’t know very well mentions how cute a boy (or girl) is, always watch out. They are trying to instigate something.] My boss wouldn’t drop it until I finally mentioned that yes, the new guy is quite a good looker (think Josh Groban hair with a super hot body AND a brain because, after all, he is a chemical engineer. Also tangent: I'm pretty sure that Croda has a requirement that all their male engineers must be easy on the eyes).

I managed to escape my boss after I finally admitted how cute the new guy is (which prompted a few smug looks from her) and hurried back to my office. Three hours later, Kristina (my boss) comes prancing into my office and told me to go entertain the new guy for an hour because he had nothing to do. And I look at her and said, ‘well, what am I supposed to do? I’m bored here all the time too!’ Her response: ‘I don’t know. Show him the files on our computer or something. Just keep him not bored.’ and then walks away. Sounds fishy, doesn’t it?

In order to get to his office, you have to walk through the purchasing office which consists of pretty much the only women on the site and they like to talk. So awkwardly, I weave in and out of them trying to get to his office only to find that he wasn’t there. I turn around to leave and just forget about this new assignment when my boss just happened to be in the doorway. She ordered me to leave a note for him to come find me. Seriously, she really did.

Me being insanely ADHD, grabbed three of his dry erase markers and wrote, ‘I was ordered to come here and un-bored you for an hour but you aren’t here. But if and when you do get bored, come find me in my office and I’ll attempt to un-bored you.’ Yes. I did write that. I don’t know what possessed me since clearly that is not a very professional note. On top of that, since he had never been to my office before I decided to draw him a map of the building and where his office was (with a ‘You are Here’ star) and where my office was (even though it seriously is just around the corner).

Fifteen minutes later, he shows up in my office grinning and said ‘I got your note….’ Yeaaaa. Let me just say that after leaving notes like that, it is very uncomfortably awkward starting a conversation. But I survived. Barely. I definitely found it hard to entertain him for more than fifteen minutes. But I let him play with Aspen and find all of our files on the servers.

The next day was Friday which means that I do the hazardous waste audit and my team orders lunch together. Go figure I forget that I don’t have cash on me and as I started to say, ‘Go order without me and I’ll just head to Wawa to get something later,’ Mr. New Guy hands the guy a twenty and says that he can cover me until later which naturally makes everyone stare at me waiting for my reaction with eyebrows raised and smug looks on their faces. I’m telling you- the people I work with need more stuff to do because clearly they aren’t busy enough to stop gossiping. And right after he pays, I’m told to go with him and my matchmaking boss to the wastewater unit to give him a tour of how things work and teach him how to do the audit since ‘he and I will be doing the audit together.’ Meh. The entire time my boss keeps giving me funny looks. Sighhh. I really hope he’s taken and declares he’s taken so that everyone will stop trying to give me hints especially since he most likely doesn’t have the Jesus-love going on.

So now life at the office is very awkward because of this idea that is now in everyone’s minds in the SHE department.

Oh right—I already tried to pull the ‘dating other coworkers is against company policy’ and I was told that ‘I was non-union and so was he so it doesn’t matter.’ Great. And Michael tried to get me to invite him out to drinks on Friday night just so I could have another awkward moment. Luckily he went back up to Penn State this weekend. Maybe I will invite him out with us UD cheggers at some point just for kicks and giggles (watch out though boys, he’s a frat guy and a super prep and all the girls will flock to him so be prepared for a deflation of the insanely large egos y'all have).