Monday, September 12, 2011

The first 40 days in Phoenixville

It has been 40 days of me living in the wonderfully awkward and bizarre town called Phoenixville. I think that this town was actually made with me in mind... mainly because of all the weird and awkward things I have experienced and seen while living in this town. So let me update you with my stories.

After the first week I moved in, Michael came up to visit and we went to Bethlehem for a Needtobreathe concert. While I was driving (yes, he finally let me drive), I stopped at a stop sign. This man started crossing the street. He was in his 50s (most likely) and shirtless with his beer belly showing and I didn't want to look at that so I sorta looked away while he walked in front of my car. As I wasn't paying attention to him, Michael then says, "Is that man wearing a snake?!" Instantly, my head shot up to look at him. Sure enough, this man had on in replace of a shirt a giant boa constrictor, probably 6 feet long wrapped around his neck like a scarf. Because that's normal.

Once we were at the concert, we had fun. I made friends with this girl who had cute boots on and a giant rock on her finger. Afterwards we go to leave but I decided I should use the facility before we start the drive home. We had already exited the building so we turn around to go back through the door. There were like 4 other guys trying to go through the door and like 4 girls trying leave through the door. This very drunk man stops all of us and lets the girls filter out. Then he turns to me and says, "ladies first" and lets me enter. I go through and heard someone say something to me so I turn around and say, "what?" expecting Michael to be right behind me speaking.

Apparently, Michael was cut off by the very drunk man because the very drunk man was talking to me really close. I try to figure out what the guy wants and he says, "you know, a guy like me is very lonely and could use a girl like you. Want to come with me? I have a hotel room" and he started to grab my arm to drag me away.

I clearly start panicking and Michael was a few steps behind and wasn't quite realizing what was happening. So I turn my head and get Michael's attention and mouth the words "help me", or as Michael put it I "silently screamed for help." And then Michael comes over and the guy starts stuttering, "Oooh you have a boyfriend! I wouldn't have asked you if I knew you had one. Sorry" And then he walked away. As if my opinion of him greatly changed now that I knew he thought I was single at first. Actually, I'm worried that if I was with other girls and not a guy, I worry what he would have continued to say to me since I am in fact single. To be honest, I'm shocked that he walked away so easily and didn't follow. I'm very grateful that he walked away with no other comments direct towards me. (This is why I keep guy friends around- yay thanks Michael for chasing away that creepy guy.)

The week after, I go to buy a couch. I go to a furniture store after getting off of work late so it's around 8 o'clock and clearly the guy is bored. Not only does he follow me around the store, he ends up talking my ear off about books and music and my new town. Apparently he's in a folk band and plays at bars in my town. He practically asked me out to an open mic without actually explicitly saying those words. I didn't think anything at all about saying I couldn't go until I was being rung up for the couch I was buying-- aka, I had to give this boy my cell phone number, my address and a check in order to buy this couch. I completely didn't think that through. But he didn't stalk me or anything which is good.

The week after my couch came, Patty came to visit. We went to eat outside at this little bistro. Right as we get our drinks, a bird pooped on my head. Unfortunately, there were a bunch of middle school and high school kids eating near us so I knew that if I made a commotion about it, they would then freak out and it would be an obnoxious mess. So I had to sit through the entire meal without saying anything knowing that there was bird poop in my hair. The good thing is that apparently a bird pooping on your head means good financial luck is supposed to be coming your way, woot! After dinner, Patty and I go to get ice cream. We are walking back and a boy stops us and says, "can I lick your ice cream cone?" in a very creepy manner. We continued walking. I then washed the poop out of my hair. And that's a normal day walking down Bridge Street for me.

A week after that, I am driving home from work and am at a stop sign. A man drove by me on a motorcycle with a little sidecar attached. In that sidecar was not a passenger. Instead, there was a giant (probs about 4 feet), overstuffed Teddy Bear buckled in and wearing a bike helmet, no big deal. That was a very odd sight. Sorry I didn't get a picture, I tried but he drove away too fast.

Moving on, this past Saturday, I witnessed a real life Elmo standing on the street corner. I don't even want to know what that was about.



And the cherry on top of these 40 days was today. Today I was driving home from church and was on Bridge Street about to turn onto Gay/Franklin Street when a military truck filled with armed soldiers drivers by. And then another. And then another. And then THREE ARMY TANKS drive by with soldiers in it and then 2 more army trucks. Fully armed. For no good reason. I managed to take a picture. (Note: I worked on an Army base so I'm used to military equipment howeverrr I am NOT used to it being driven down the street on civilian land.)

And here is a picture to prove that I didn't make it all up.

So this is my new town and my new life. It's not getting any less awkward so I anticipate lots of stories in the future :)

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Guest Feature: Dover Wal-Mart and Feet Fetishes

Within the past year, I've gotten to get to know this awesome girl named Nicole Nadler. She's pretty, cool and super nice :) And clearly she also attracts the awkward. And here is her story from a few weeks ago.
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Okay so I was in walmart and it was quite crowded due to the upcoming hurricane. I'm barely in the store for 5 minutes when a very redneck guy on crutches approaches me asking me if I will help him pick out some dressy shoes for his girlfriend. He was really creepy but I was having a cheerful morning and warily agreed, despite my gut feeling. My true thought process was that since God doesn't judge me by how (un)educated, (un)attractive, and (un)appealing I am, I shouldn't judge others on that basis either. So we go across the walmart to the shoe section. He tells me that the crutches he is using are actually for his gf because she hurt herself... which should have been my first red flag. I mean, who uses someone else's crutches when they aren't even the one who is hurt?! So then he asks ME to use the crutches to get a height measurement and take off my left shoe bc that is the foot she hurt... I was feeling all sorts of uncomfortable but didn't want to be rude... So I did. And much to my surprise and he said "well you have to bend your knee like its in a cast" and bent down and TOUCHED MY FOOT to show me how "her" foot is positioned. I was so weirded out and THEN he whipped out his phone and asked is he could take a picture of me (and my foot) on crutches to show "her" and I said "no, that's not necessary". Since he already had his phone out though he was slick and I am about 99% sure he took a picture. Of my foot. In Wal-Mart. So then I just turned around and ran away and will be forever traumatized by the thought of whatever entertainment and joy that photo is bringing to the man.